10-11-23
I thought these last seven months were hard and challenging times, but nothing like learning how to walk.
I thought it was going to be easy. Was I ever wrong.
First, I was totally surprised, just putting on my prosthetics I started to cry, actually crying uncontrollably. Or I try to stand up, and I cry again. All these emotions are coming up, and I don’t have a clue what the emotions are all about.
Is it possible that I am experiencing PTSD on a subconscious level? They say the body remembers everything even though I don’t remember the explosion, thank God. The only thing I remember is opening the door seeing a white light and feeling the love.
Now my PT told me that he thinks what I am feeling is grieving, not PTSD. Now that makes sense, grieving losing my feet at another level. Grieving not being able to walk the way I used to, or being able to do things I used to do, but now I can’t.
I am feeling so much sadness.
I am giving myself permission to feel my emotions, and let the tears flow, without judging myself. Then I give my tears over to God.
Second, standing up on prosthetics is hard. I haven’t stood up for seven months, nor have I used those muscles needed to stand.
Third, I broke so many bones in both of my legs, my left knee was severely damaged, and my right knee had to be reconstructed with plates and screws. Even though my doctor gave me the okay for weight bearing, my bones won’t completely heal until I start walking on them, which is very painful. Every time I try to stand, I scream in pain because my knees hurt.
It’s so hard, I want to give up, “don’t make me,” I tell John. But John lovingly encourages me to try, so I do it.
It’s not easy, but I stand, maybe for a minute, then I have to sit down. Then I try again, I use every determination in my body, but I do it. The next time I can stand for three minutes.
I am told that what I am experiencing and feeling is normal in the beginning. I am taking baby steps, and I feel it will take forever to learn how to walk.
I am thankful for all the prayers and support I am receiving from all of you. Everyone grieves and processes differently. I guess for me when I can write down what I am feeling, I have clarity for what I am feeling and when I share it with you, I don’t feel so alone. It’s like I can feel all of you cheering me on, which makes me try harder.
So thank you. I love all of you.
Sue Love
